There are so many things you could tell just by looking at her, but you won't. You won't look at her in the right way. You'll put your own words in her head. You'll let yourself imagine your thoughts are hers. You'll let yourself imagine that she is thinking exactly what you want her to think.
If not that, you'll imagine she couldn't possibly be thinking anything you wish she would be thinking.
All this because you do not believe. You do not believe in her. You do not believe in yourself.
This is why you cannot sleep at night. This is why you always have to have just one more drink before you go to bed. This is why you wake up restless and uncertain. This is why you always crawl back to her, trying to pretend you can tell all these things just by looking at her.
And you're not even looking at her.
You think you are, but you aren't.
You don't even know where to look. You might be looking at her, but you are looking past her. You are looking at something you imagine might be her, either driven by your desire and longing or your convictions that she could not possibly answer any of the questions you might ask her with the least bit of understanding and insight.
You will sacrifice to her. You will prostrate yourself at her feet and somehow imagine this will be what she wants of you. And you will disregard the tiny voice inside your head that tells you what she wants of you has nothing to do with what you want her to want of you.
It has to do with something you are unwilling to contemplate. Or, perhaps, you are incapable of contemplating it. You could know just by looking at her, but you won't. You will look past her again. You will look through her. For your purposes she doesn't even need to be there and you don't even know it.
For you, she knows everything and you know nothing.
For her, you know everything and she knows nothing.
You could tell this just by looking at her, but you won't. You will look past her again. You will look through her.
You don't even see her.
And you don't even know it.
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de Everything2
